Sibling Rivalry… The Things Parenting Magazines are Made Of
A post especially for GfG.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The “I had it first.†should not be happening in your home. The only reason it DOES happen is because there is no adult that is watching to see who REALLY had it first. In the case of my older boys ages 7 and 8 I do what I explained in a previous post about redirecting them. Setting them up for success, putting them back on the SAME team instead of allowing them to antagonize each other. For little kids, the 2-3 crowd I have given up trying to figure out who had what first. If there is a conflict that I missed for some reason (and I try not to by keeping them under my feet instead of the other room) then I just make a judgment call. Who is usually the one snatching toys? Who has been snotty all morning? Who needs to work on accepting the word “no†from me with a cheerful attitude? A lot of parents make the mistake here of erring on the side of what is EASY for them. If they know that child A will tantrum if they side with child B while child B will just be sullen if they side with child A they will automatically take the easy road by acquiescing to child A. WRONG!
You just rewarded the wrong child for the wrong behavior. You set him up for a life full of heart ache when he gets out in the real world and finds that OH DREAD the whole world does not always cater to the one that screams the loudest. And what is the reason you just set your kid up for years of miserableness? Because YOU were too lazy to do the right thing and train that behavior out of him.
So back to the “I had it first†scenario. Unless I am 100% certain who is being the booger in this situation I just err on the side of the training opportunity. Who ever needs a lesson in humility the most will be the one I don’t side with. And my kids don’t even bother with the “It’s not fair.†Line. We have told them from the beginning that life *is always* fair, it is just not the same. I, as their mother, will always try to give them what they need and deserve (as will their father and God will as well) but it may not be the *same* as everyone else. It never will be equal, get over it. The real issue then shifts from sibling rivalry to basic obedience to you as the parent. Once I tell a child to hand over the toy and drop the subject, that is it. A decision has been made, a ruling rendered and what I say, goes! Right here you get a true test of that child’s heart and whether it is bent toward yours. If the child knows and trusts that Mom will make things right in the end (some other time THEY will keep the toy) and that Mom still loves him then the child’s response will be a contented (we aim for happy) “Ok, Mom!†It is very difficult to get the contented “Ok Mom.†Unless you have protected this child from the wrong doings of his siblings in the past. This goes back to my previous post of creating an atmosphere of sibling love.
On the other hand if you have a child that is a pleaser it is a great opportunity to encourage the other child to not take advantage of more giving individuals. Believe me, this is a skill that a lot of people need to learn!! It is very important to stress to the older child the responsibility that has been laid on them by being blessed with such a giving younger sibling. Explain what God expects of them in these scenarios and what that will look like when they are older in the real world. Impress upon them how important it is to nurture good habits within themselves with regard to generous people NOW so they don’t have a rude awakening when they are adults. Teach them how to notice it when the younger sibling does something kind, acknowledge it with thankfulness to the younger sibling and then make note of how it made them feel so they can then go on to bless someone in the same way.
I generally like to wait until the giving child is a bit older before I teach them about the dangers of being taken advantage of. My experience is that for the most part they outgrow being a completely giving and totally forgiving individual. Eventually they grow up and start to see the ramifications of their actions and get tired of being a doormat!
Comments
Dec. 29, 2005 – You ROCK!
Posted by GratefulForGrace (IP Not Logged)
I can’t believe you did this!! I am thrilled. Truly. Touched that you took the time to give such a great explanation for me: a word picture of how this works. I’m a visual learner (can you tell?) so that helps me tremendously.
Katie, what a Titus2 moment. Thank you.
Ok. I am getting it. The light is breaking through to this dense mother. This self-centered, lazy loving mom (someone once said, “You’re a mom of 5, you can’t be lazy.” I admit this is not true.)
I absolutely LOVE the thought/premise that you ‘err on the side of the training’ need. Terrific. That makes sense to me and puts me in a pro-active position.
Hmmm…. things they are gonna’ be a changin’ here at our home.
blessings 7 fold to you (that could mean 84 more children for you, right?),
GfG
Dec. 30, 2005 – 84 more children???
Posted by TeamBettendorf (IP Not Logged)
Hmmmm…….that is a hard number to conceptualize. I may have nightmares of climbing over mountains of dirty diapers in efforts to create LARGE healthy meals while at least half of those 84 talk to me non-stop. My head hurts. ;)
Dec. 30, 2005 – Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous (IP Not Logged)
Hello Katie!
My children, ages 10, 8, 4, and almost 3, are much better behaved at home than out in public. Grocery shopping is a total nightmare for me. Someone is constantly screaming or picking on someone else. Shopping is my least favorite activitiy, anyway, and it takes twice as long because I have to stop every 30 seconds to discipline someone. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Dec. 30, 2005 – older kids
Posted by SingingMom (IP Not Logged)
I’ve enjoyed the links TaminAz has sent. I just started homeschooling 18 months ago and just having them around that much has been a struggle along with several family crisis. I am trying to start tomato staking, but it is very exhausting for me and the kids who are nearly 11, 9, and 4 don’t understand why I don’t trust them anymore to play for hours on their own. How do you make them see it isn’t a punishment. I have a couple of posts on the child rearing board at raisinggodlytomatoes as well that hardly anyone answered…probably because I’m starting with such older children and not toddlers. The nearly 11yo in particlular enjoys spending time alone and he doesn’t get into trouble: he works on making movies or building KNEX, etc. He can’t really move those things to be in the room I am in if that makes sense. Anyway, any advice for those of us starting this with older kids.
Elizabeth
Dec. 30, 2005 – Thanks for your blog!
Posted by CityCricket (IP Not Logged)
I have been sitting at Tam’s feet (to steal a phrase) for a while and now I have someone else’s feet to sit at. :) I need to SEE how other’s do things (and see, and see, and hear, and etc.) So I appreciate the time you put in to your blog and your sense of humor. :)
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