One Year Ago Today
February 7, 2008
Written by: Katie
I sent Jeff and Jill to the emergency room at Phoenix Children’s Hospital. Jillian had been running a fever for 3 days and was having trouble breathing. They left around noon and went to lunch. Jillian tried to convince Jeff she was fine and that they should just go home. She told Jeff that if he took her to the hospital that he would be a bad dad. Jeff called me around 3pm and we talked about the two of them coming home. We decided that Jillian needed to go just in case.
I had packed Jeff’s clothes before they left and told him I knew they would be staying 2-3 days. I just knew it was serious. I figured she had pneumonia. The rest of the evening is a blur as I fed the other children and put them to bed. I spoke with Jeff sometime late…I think around 11 or 12 and they had finally seen a doctor and it had been confirmed that she had pneumonia. Jillian and Jeff would get a room on the PICU and I would come down the next day.
We had not slept very well the previous 3 nights because Jillian had been so ill. She had been sleeping on a mattress in our room and her labored breathing and crying had kept us up. I slept well the night of February 7th secure in the knowledge that with some heavy antibiotics my baby would be fine.
The next morning I was awoken by the phone. When I answered it was Jeff on the other end. He had taken the laptop to the hospital and he said “Did you read the IM I sent you last night?” I replied no and Jeff told me to go read it and call him back. When I finally dressed and went out to my computer I found an Instant Message. I don’t remember what the exact words were but it was something like “Jillian has a large mass in her chest.” And my world fell apart.
I called Jeff to find out that the ER staff had lied to Jeff in effort to keep Jeff calm until they moved him to a private room in the PICU. They had told him it was pneumonia and then another doctor had to break the news to Jeff. That was the beginning.
The now famous picture that was taken 2 weeks before diagnosis.
I really didn’t picture myself marking this one year anniversary. I thought it would be a non-event being that I know the ending of the story and it’s a happy one. Everything was going just fine. I was aware of the date and it’s significance but it wasn’t bothersome. It wasn’t until Jeff made a comment that upset me this afternoon then everything spiraled out of control. All of the memories of that awful time came flooding back. Everything that was going on, all the stress from the things that were going on rose to the surface and bubbled over.
This afternoon was a complete mess. I hope I don’t go through the same thing on April 30th.
February 7th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Aw. Katie, I cannot imagine what a Mommy’s heart would be feeling in a time like this, but I fully understand how the affects of trauma can come to it’s surface when we least expect it. You have been so strong for Jillie and your whole family. You all fought the good fight for her! It is no wonder your heart is now releasing all of that stress as things are looking much brighter. We, Eric and I, will continue to pray as you ALL continue to heal from this journey.
February 7th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Katie ,
I know you have been through such a horrible trial. I am so thankful that Jillian is the strong , happy, healthy little girl she is today- and I pray for continued health for her entire life.
God Bless you All,
Michelle
February 7th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Katie,
Continuing to pray for you and your family. Praise God that Jillian is better!
Cathy
February 7th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Katie… I thought about you quite a bit today. And I’ve been praying for you everytime you came to my mind. I remember you saying something along the line of “God thinks I can handle this, I guess” and that has been such a touch stone for ME for the last year.
I know that you will never forget and I know that you are praising God daily…but I also wanted you to know that PART of why God thought you needed this trial is because he knew how your reaction and dedication would inspire people like me who have a hard time with trust. Thank you for obeying the Lord. Thank you for continuing to fight when you were tired and scared.
I praise the Lord for your example often. And today, 1 year later, I praise the Lord with you for that little girl you’ve got there.
Sleep tight, my friend.
February 7th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
My heart still drops into my stomach and I feel physically ill when I think of the email that I received from a mutual acquaintance of ours informing me of Jilly’s illness - this feeling is the same feeling I had as I read that email that day. I am so thankful to her for letting me know as soon as she did. I cannot imagine being in your situation. As a mother, my heart aches just thinking about being so powerless in such a situation. You and Jeff are amazing parents to have handled it all as well as you did. Falling apart today is understandable. Your words that “your world fell apart” are exactly what I would describe had I experienced such an event. THANK GOD you are where you are right now. There are so many others that did not fare as well… it breaks my heart.
A whole new reason to post a blog post titled “Jillie Fest”! She is so worth celebrating. :)
February 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Oh Katie. You are one of the strongest people I know. You have handled so much with dignity and grace. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would have dealt with such a blow. But instead of wallowing in your sorrow, you learned and you took charge. All things are in God’s hands, but we don’t have take things lying down. All you learned and continue to learn you have shared with the world via your blog. Who knows how many lives may possibly be helped through your experience. Above all remember this, it doesn’t always have to be okay, and sometimes, I think, God cries with us. He feels our pain. He knows what it’s like.
Praying for you and celebrating the most beautiful Jillian.
February 7th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Don’t be afraid to feel those “big” feelings, this is when the emotional healing starts. Praying for you
Andrea
February 7th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Oh Katie,
Holding you ‘Oh so tight’ in a super-squeezy cyber-hug and raising you to the Father for peace and comfort for your Mama’s heart.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Katie, I remember this so well. You have no idea how many times in this past year I’ve prayed for Jillian and your whole family. Jillian is truely blessed to have such strong, loving parents in you and Jeff and I know that while you were strong for her, you were also an inspiring example for those of us on the sidelines who could do nothing but pray. I will pray for you tonight as you grieve the past and rejoice in the future!
February 7th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Katie, I am so sorry you’ve had a bad day. I’m thankful you posted this, and I hope it was therapeutic for you. I’m praying for you today.
February 7th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I had been introduced to your blog a few weeks before this date in connection with fostering and adoption. It was a huge shock to me and my children (who love all your pictures) when the news broke about Jill. I can’t believe how much has happened in a year. It is good to grieve, it is part of the continued healing process. Blessings to you all.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I’m a relatively new reader here, so I don’t remember that day, but your description made my stomach drop, too. I hope your emotional afternoon was a big step in the healing for you all. I pray your tomorrow is full of peace and joy.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Oh, Katie, bless you heart. Marking those anniversaries can be so hard. I hadn’t read the title and I thought that Jeff had recently gone back to the hospital with Jillian and my heart just sank that it was her other lung…. Being a cancer survivor and having a health scare with Maria~Angelica last year and also the experience of losing two young children in our church- fr. (my dh) was with both sets of parents when the babies passed away- it is all too real to me the feelings you were feeling. I pray often for Jillian that she has long, healthy life and for all your precious children. May Christ our Lord continue to bless, protect and comfort you and your family. Jillian is a precious child and it is such a joy to watch her hair coming back in- and see her thriving and living life!
February 8th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Just wanted to send you some hugs Katie.
Diane
February 8th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Dear Katy and Jeff and precious family,
I too, sit here crying, remembering the postings a year ago too, and how our family began to pray also for little Jillian. I don’t remember how I was directed to your blog site, but, we have regularly kept reading it, as a family, throughout the year. (BTW, congratulations on the newest addition!!!)
We really ached when we read all that your family endured through this great challenge, and with moving, and a pregnancy too!! Wow!
We have 10 children of our own, (3 still home, 16 grandchildren) but that our youngest’s name is Jillian too, so we had a special connection with your family. So we have prayed very, very often for you all.
You’ve been so full of faith, and so strong, it seems, and that was and is a wonderful testimony to many of us out here. What a beautiful family you have there!!
Just this evening as our youngest two daughters, 11 and 9, set with us at dinner in a restaurant here, in Alaska, we were discussing our vacation next week, to Sun City, AZ. (Yes, I remember you lived right near there, Glendale, was it?) We talked of maybe taking a side trip up to Branson, then I said, “we could look up the Bettendorf family, and little Jill, in Missouri, maybe.” Not likely, tho.. Anyway, we love you all, and though we may never meet, until heaven, we feel we know you all, in a sense. We will keep checking your blog and praying for your precious family, and we Praise the Lord for Jillian’s progress.
Blessings, Carol
February 8th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Katie,
Jillian is a beautiful child and I can’t help but wonder how many lives she has touched through this experience. Your words in this post were full of the love of a mom and reading it has left me without words. Just know that I am sending a hug your way and prayers heaven’s way. ~Kari
February 8th, 2008 at 6:47 am
(((Katie)))
You are strong beyond words. Your strength through the trial was awe inspiring, and like you said, You know the end of the story and it was a happy one! Praise The Lord! :)
Love to you all,
Chas
February 8th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Katie,
Just a note from another mother with a cancer survivor, Samantha now 6 yrs cancer free!
I was like you, so strong through the treatment and you go into autopilot, you do what needs to be done for the sake of your child and family. Then when treatment is over you get to slow down and process what actually happened over the last year and those feelings can be overwhelming! You need to allow yourself the tears and to process what happened. Now six years later we go in once a year for checkups with the oncologist and still I am apprehensive during that time. Just remember God was with you through it all and still walks with you now. It does get better with time.
Love to you and your family,
Jean
February 8th, 2008 at 8:00 am
Dear Katie! You have been so strong for so many months for all of your family. It had to hit you sometime! Thankfully it is on the anniversary of when it all started, and not the anniversary of loosing her!!! God is SOOOOO good!! I know how hard it is to hit those anniversarys of loosing our babies and even four years on I still go to pieces. One day I’m sure I will suddenly think ‘Oh! It was the anniversary last week and I missed it.’ Then again, I’m not sure I ever will! ((((HUGS)))) and prayers of thanksgiving today coming your way!
February 8th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Katie,
Bless your heart. I can’t even begin to imagine…
You and Jeff are such good parents. Jillie is blessed to have you in her lives!
Jillie is still in our daily prayers!
Love y’all!
February 8th, 2008 at 8:47 am
I’m so sorry, Katie. This post takes me back to the horror of first reading about Jillians illness. I sat here at the computer for a long time that night looking at that picture, and praying for you guys….and then did it very often after that. If just being reminded and seeing that picture makes ME feel emotional, it’s hard to imagine what revisiting that time does to you. I’m not surprised you found this day hard.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Do feel the hurt, Katie, as you need that to heal. I feel sad around the year anniversary of my miscarriages (two that occurred in the same week, four years apart, 1996 and 2000), but it has dulled over the years. The year just after each, I was undone. My prayers are with you!
February 8th, 2008 at 9:34 am
As a mother my heart breaks with you because of the painful memories this has stirred up for you. But as a mother my heart rejoices with you because of the Lord’s faithfulness that we can all witness in the beautiful, happy, healthy face of Jillie!
I pray that you can feel the Lord’s strong and comforting arms surround you.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Awww, I’m praying for your peace, and rejoicing in the goodness of our heavenly Father! May you feel his presence today.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Katie, You are an amazingly strong warrior for the Lord. He has used you in so many mighty ways over this past year for Jillie’s growth, the growth of your family and so many more through your blog. I am reminded of a song by Twilla Paris called “The Warrior Is a Child.” (…..They don’t know, that I go running home when I fall down. They don’t know who picks me up when know when no one is around. I close my eyes and cry for just a while. Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child…) I think is wonderful that you can let all that emotion out now, in this time of nonevents and let the Lord lift you up, hold you and heal you. You have been through much, let this day be hard. It’s ok. You are no less amazing, just a stronger person who know when it’s time to weep.
I praise the Lord Jillian is well and here for this day! What a wonderful blessing.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
~Katie~
I cannot believe it’s been a year already! I can’t remember who told me about Jillian & sent me the link to your Blog, but I’m so glad they did. I can’t believe Jillian’s been in my prayers for a whole year! I know we’ve never met or even e-mailed. (I’ve tried to e-mail before, but never sure if they went through or not) But, reading your blog makes me feel like I have met you. You’re family is such a blessing & Jillian has always had a special place in my heart because I have a daughter, Jessica, the same age. (Jessica just turned 4 on Feb. 3rd) I also like to name all my children with a name beginning with the letter “J”.
I’m so happy that Jillian is doing so well & that God has answered all of our prayers for her. It was fun to see that “Famous” photo of her holding her doll just 2 weeks before… She really is such a beautiful girl! (Just like her mama!)
I’ve really enjoyed reading about you & your family & hope & pray the best for you!
Hang in there sweet mommy!
Love & Prayers
Jennifer (Mother to 8 “J’s”)