We Have A Solution.
March 12, 2008
Written by: Katie
Remember Lina? Remember my little dilemma with her behavior? We fixed it.
See the chair? That’s where I sit when I am nursing Jodi. You remember Jodi. See Lina?
This is good. She is playing frogs and cups.
She has strings as well.
And she is being GOOD. She is alone so there is no one to bug. She has approved play things. She has an active imagination. But most importantly she has an adult watching her. ALL. THE. TIME. And she is happy.
We are finding this system to work very well. She plays. I sit. We chat. All of her needs are met (supervision, companionship, bonding time) and all mine are met as well (well behaved children, keeping my sanity, smiling kids). Every once in awhile another child will come over and play with her. This is great as I am still there and I can nip bad behavior in the bud. If I need to run to the bathroom I simply have her stand in the corner for 30 seconds. She understands this and doesn’t seem to resent it at all. It’s been going along swimmingly. I’m pleased.
In other news, I just want to cover some basic parenting rules. This public service message is precipitated by an incident that will forever be known as the “Circus Experience”. Nothing like what it’s name implies the “Circus Experience” is neither a fun nor painless event.
Our family was recently blessed with an opportunity to attend a local circus. Imagine our surprise when we got a last minute phone call at 8am telling us to be in Springfield if we were interested in a circus show at 10:15. Boy did we rally. Truth be told I was the only one up at that hour. So after waking everyone, feeding everyone and dressing everyone we headed out the door.
We arrived in the circus building and the excitement mounted. The lights were flashing, the music playing. To make it all the better it was a smaller circus which led to a more intimate feel. Immediately Jeff and I noticed a young boy (age 5-7) crying on his mother’s lap behind us. It seemed a little odd that a child that age would be allowed to wail on so but we assumed it would soon stop. It did not. Through out the entirety of the show we were subjected to his constant howling at varying decibels. Not once did I look back and find a happy child behind me.
To make matters worse, upon returning home I was informed that those of my children that were seated directly in front of this boy were repeatedly harassed by him. The boy continually kicked their seats and HEADS. He rested his feet ON their seats so my kids had to lean forward or to the side to prevent themselves from being hit. To me this was completely unacceptable (probably because my kid was on the receiving end of the abuse, you think?). In my mind this child’s mother had no business allowing these things to continue. I have heard since then that this child has “special needs” and that accounts for his poor behavior. To that I say “Keep him home!” We kept our twins home for a full year before we had them in hand enough to trust them out in public places. Aside from trips to the grocery store our social life waned. We survived.
I have had special needs kids. I know the difference between neurological difficulties and discipline problems. When a child screams at his mother “Obey my words!!” and shakes his fist at her I’d say he has bigger problems than just a learning difficulty. Even a dog can be trained not to bark when the doorbell rings.
As a favor to me, and society in general, please keep unruly children home. I know you think they are cute and deserving of these opportunities but I’m not going to especially understand and appreciate all of that when he’s just spoiled my $70 lunch. Thank you.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I just started doing the same thing with Daniel (tomato-staking), after finding him standing on his nightstand looking out the window during naptime.
Your parenting public service announcement seems perfectly appropriate to me. Last time we were at the library, I had a kid take one of my own books out of my bag. (Not a library book - my own book.) When I told the parent that it was mine, she started what would have been a lengthy explanation to her 2 yo about why he should really give it back to me. I waited about 30 seconds, then I just grabbed it from the kid and smiled: I’ll take it now, thanks!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
AMEN! We spent an entire day last week being subjected to an unruly girl at DS’s swim meet! If mom attempted to discipline, she pulled a pouty act and mom apologized. It was outrageous! Special needs or not- do not subject others to your lack of parenting. Enough of my own PSA, back to your regularly scheduled programming…
March 12th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
What cracks me up is when I get comments about how good my children are being and I’m thinking in my head, “What?! I just had to tell him THREE times to put his hands on the cart and stop touching things.” lol I think people’s standards are way low these days. :)
Thanks for encouraging me to keep my standards up Katie!!
You’re a blessing!
March 12th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Yes, I agree. Keep the brats at home. Oops! I meant to say little darlings.
Lina is such a good girl with her strings and froggies! Cute, too!
March 13th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Katie, When Marissa was little, she was within eye sight of me all day long. It was the only rule she had to follow. I went years with Marissa following me around as if we were connected by some kind of invisible harness. We had a bucket of toys too.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:26 am
LOL! I have to agree with Musicmommy3!! I get told all the time how well behaved my kiddos are and it is always when I have just had to tell them off 5 times! I can’t believe that people are amazed that my kids actually listen when I tell them to do something. They think that is sooo amazing! I think it is basic and that I shouldn’t have had to tell them at all since it is something they should have known already! LOL! The standards are WAY too low these days, even amongst Christians.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Oh! Katie, thanks for stopping by. I got some Magnesium tablets yesterday at the health food store. Didn’t see the powdered stuff, but I’ll look for it next time. I’m going to give him some when he gets home tomorrow! I thought it was good to have in too since he often gets pains in his legs. I just tell him they are growing pains and we rub them, never thought there might be something to help it! Duh!! My brothers all had these ‘growing pains’ while they were younger, so just thought it was normal.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Well said!!!!
Love reading your blog… LOVE the TRUTH…. not watered down…some people need 100% TRUTH….
March 13th, 2008 at 6:12 am
I love it! I had to call my husband and tell him what you posted because he and I always feel that way. Restaurants are always an issue for us. Sometimes we even choose to sit in the smoking section in hopes of avoiding a mob of misbehaving kids. We very seldom get to eat out so we want our experience to be enjoyable. If you give children the attention they deserve and need it is possible to avoid raising unruly children. I love your honesty and ability to tell it like it is without being afraid of the repercussion. Thanks for another great post.
~Gretchen
March 13th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Don’t read if your stomach upsets easily!
Years ago my mom went to lunch with a friend (k). There was a child sitting in the booth behind them who kept turning around and standing up to look at them. The mother never told the child to sit down or turn around. So half way through the meal this child proceeds to throw up all over k’s head and back. Not quite sure what happened after that.
I know I always choose the side that does not have a child in it and of course my kids are not to even look behind them, let alone stand up, climb around the seat and stare at the people behind them.
March 13th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I only have three children so I generally keep them within my sight at all times at home. As soon as I send them to another room to play, fighting and bickering begins within 2 minutes. Every. single. time. If they are where I can see and hear them, they get along famously. Besides, I just love having them around and hearing their conversations. Quite amusing. :)
March 13th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Did I miss something? DeeDee is talking about leg pains and I’m curious! My (nearly) 9yo complains of leg and arm pains. I too have brushed it off as “growing pains”, but have wondered about it a lot. Can you fill me in a bit more please?
Katie, I just LOVE seeing pictures of your crew! Lina is adorable!
March 13th, 2008 at 8:57 am
I would like to know about the magnesium/leg pains as well. When I was around 4 yo, I had excruciating leg pains and my parents were told I had a Vitamin C deficiency so I had to take a chewable (ugh) Vit. C tablet every a.m. for years. Several of my kids (bio and adopted) have complained about leg pains on and off over the years as well. My DH got me a book about magnesium and migraines - maybe there’s a connection there? Leg pain as a child/migraines as an adult? Any info. you have on this would be greatly appreciated (and another idea for a post).
As for the actual point of this post - I AGREE 100%. I really feel bad for parents who look like they’re really trying to get the kids under control, as opposed to those who talk the situation to death, but if it the child cannot control himself, get the heck out of there!! The best thing I ever did when my oldest was little was just drop everything and leave the store when he’d start tantruming. I hated it, but by the time he was 2, he accepted the word NO calmly and even joyfully (Ok, Mom, maybe next time, right?) and was a great influence on his younger siblings. I used to also believe that we had to do EVERYTHING as a family (and it would still be nice), but have since learned that if I have a child who’s going to push the limits when we leave the house, no matter what the age, he’s going to stay home and do something productive while the rest of us go have some fun!! Sometimes it changes behavior, sometimes it doesn’t. We aren’t going to have any fun if the misbehaving child ruins it for us anyway!
March 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I love getting compliments on our Lambies behavior, even if I know they are pushing limits…
Once way back when we had only five or six kids, we went to a restaurant and were seated in a large booth. There was an older couple nearby that looked at us with disgust and shook their heads, then got up and moved.
After the meal, the manager came out and complimented the children (and us) and provided free ice cream all around. He told us that we were welcome back anytime and if he was working there would be more ice cream.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I’m glad you posted. I so appreciate your sense of humor.
FAS? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? I like your plan. I admire the Tomato Staking. I tried it for 3 days. I’m just too selfish to do it, I admit. It comes to mind often, though.
I love this post on keeping kids at home if they are not disciplined enough to be out in public! I wish I could put it as a full size ad in all major newspapers!! Truly.
I took our kiddos to the zoo a month ago and saw an 11 yo girl with a shirt that simply said, “Got beer?”
Sigh. And people have to ask why we hs??? What.ever.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Does magnesium help growing pains? My eldest tends to have those terribly… :(
March 13th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Thanks for the refresher. I am having to seriously tomato stake my almost 11 year old daughter that we adopted almost 2 years ago. She has very little self control if no one is watching her. When we are together she is an angel. Its driving me batty. :)
Before we go into a restaurant with our five young children I tell each of them that people are going to be very upset when we walk in because children are so rowdy. I then challenge them to make the family look good. My kids have gotten their share of free desserts and compliments. I really don’t like kids that stare at you while you eat so my kids have to face forward. I have to remind them a lot, but at least I know Im being proactive. LOL.
I love reading your blog. Even though my kids don’t have a lot of the problems associated with adopted foster kids its still tough for others to understand that you have to use a whole new set of parenting skills because these children had no boundaries or consistent, loving authority before they came to you. Its an uphill battle that I thank God He allows us to have everyday.
March 13th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
News story about a 10 year old supposedly “normal” child …
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_031008WAB_boy_buried_LJ.3e86c380.html
Unless learning impaired, I still think a 10 year old would know that burying your head would cause death. Even a NORMAL child should know this, no?
This story just touches on so many things I find wrong with “normal” children and their parents. The kid’s total lack of common sense, parents total lack of supervision, the crap the kid was raised/babysat by no doubt while sitting in front of the television……………….
There’s something just not adding up with this story. The sandbox was only 1′ deep. His hands were free as were his legs. His head was buried to his shoulders. That means only his head and neck was buried. Furthermore, it says he asked his friends to bury his head. Within seconds when the other kids started putting sand on his head/face he would’ve realized he couldn’t breathe and popped up fast to gasp air. He should have been able to dig out his own head, move to his knees and get his head out….it just doesn’t add up.
A dog or chimpanzee would be able to free itself in that situation. Nature works hard to survive and breathing is certainly nature-driven. You don’t even have to think about it. Of course a dog and the chimp are too intelligent to allow you to do in the first place.
To add to the mystery it said the whole group of children were 8 to 10 yrs old. Not one of them knew burying your head would cause death?
March 13th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Katie,I can so relate.I’ll tell you of a couple of experiences we recently had.The first was taking my daughter to The Nutcracker Ballet for Christmas.She was very excited and it was at The Pacific Northwest Ballet.Anyway this gal sits behind us with a group of boys around 13-14 who continually made rude noises,kicked our seats and were obnoxious the entire time.I repeatedly turned around and told them to knock it off and they just glared at me like who are you to tell us anything.The chaperone or mother or whoever she was did absolutely nothing.It’s like they are entitled to their good time even if it’s at the expense of everyone else enjoying it.Why you would bring that age boys there in the first place who obviously didn’t want to be there was beyond me.
Unfortunately on top of that I went with a friend and her husband who treat her 7 year old like a baby and he constantly whined and griped about everything the entire time,while his parents coddled him and were telling me how wonderfully behaved he was.By the end of the day I was so sick of hearing do you want this little buddy or that(gag!) We even ended this wonderful occasion by going to The Rainforest Cafe and I bought the two girls and this boy a volcano cake to share ,which is huge and is enough for 6 people and he threw a fit because he wanted his own.Never again will I do anything with my friend if she brings this child along.It was sad because her husband was just as bad as her on disciplining this child.
Our most recent incident was my husband and I went to the movies by ourselves like a once in the year treat.The movie was just about to start and this lady comes in with her 10-11 yr old son and sits right next to my husband,well she put her son right next to him anyway.There were plenty of empty seats all around anyway through the whole movie this kid was practically sitting on my husbands lap.My husband even shoved his arm away repeatedly as he kept laying on him,putting his feet in his space,taking his arm rest and such.This is a brand new theatre just opened Friday and I couldn’t believe the amount of kids acting like this was their bedroom and putting their feet all over everything.This kid next to my husband was not mentally impaired.Not to mention we do alot of things with The Starlight Foundation because several of our kids have medical issues and so you’re right Katie there is no excuse.
I chalk a lot of this up to no discipline in the home and the schools telling the kids they don’t have to respect anyone or anything.We’re all equals don’t you know.
March 13th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Why don’t they show public service announcements like that on TV? :) Yesterday I was at the doctor’s with my new baby and there were 2 boys there with their mom, probably 8 & 10 years old. And they were SO LOUD, sitting there playing with the baby toys on the floor like a couple of toddlers. It was ridiculous. Actually, I take that back … my toddler knows how to sit down in the waiting room and then play quietly after asking permission to do so.
When you do the tomato staking, what do you do with a child who is acting rebellious and won’t stay put?
March 13th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hmm for some reason it didn’t put my paragraphs in,sorry.
Fixed it for you. :) -Katie
March 13th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Hi Diane,
I know exactly what you mean! It happened almost every single time I took my son to the doctor!
I don’t know about you, but I always brought along one of our own toys when he was LITTLE ……too many germs and sick kids drooling on the toys there! I would hope a child by the time they’re 8 years old would be able to sit and read a book….but.nooooooooooooo!
March 13th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Linda, your comment on Jeff’s blog cracks me up. I want you to know that it was because of you that I forced myself to blog last night!! :) I am currently editing pictures of horsefest and stuff for your viewing pleasure. :)
March 13th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Why thank you for getting right on it)
March 13th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I totally agree with you on the ill-mannered children should be left at home. I am now a witness in a harassment suit that took place at my daughters’ dance school. A mom of a 14-15 month old baby retrieved a toy taken by a 5 year old boy (calling the 5 year old OBNOXIOUS would be too nice). Mom of 5-year old boy yelled at mom of baby for touching her child. Mom of baby yelled back - told mom of 5 year old boy that she needed to learn to control her child. (Absolutely true - kid DOES NOT listen). Mom of 5 year old filed a harrassment suit against dance school and mom of 14 month old. I am caught in the middle.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Amen and AMEN! I had a few of these moments the last few days. Today was one child at the doctors office who was sitting but as soon as we arrived decided it was time to pummel my newly adopted son with a truck. Mother-reading a magazine-ignoring son. ERGH! I had to pull Silas close for his mere protection, I just don’t get parents these days.