A Poll About Being Nosey.
April 14, 2008
Written by: Katie
When you are out and about do people stop you and talk to you/ask you questions? do you think it is rude/obnoxious? Please answer below.
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April 14th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Heh, you can guess my answers pretty easily. I don’t mind comments, as long as they are meant in a friendly way.
It’s funny; we all went to one child’s dental appointment today and stopped by the little cafe on the first floor. Another lady was there with cute twin girls, and she was just delighted with our large family, because she had been one of eight! She said, “You are SO blessed!” with a big grin. Her family is still very close, even though they fought with each other as youngsters. I’m always glad to hear that testimony. :) She wanted more children, but said she’d started too late.
The owner/manager of the cafe and his assistant (not sure if she was a relation?) were also wonderful to us. He asked everyone’s names and ages and chatted with the kids. “You have done very well,” he said. :D So nice, for a change.
I’ve also been glared at, but I consider that the other person’s problem.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Oh, and P.S. One of the ladies working there handed me Christian tracts!
April 14th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Sometimes I feel as tho’ we are a freak show..we are light skin living in a mostly light skin area with the majority of our kids dark hair and skin.
We do get smiles, lots of compliments when we are out.
When someone asks us if they are ALL ours, I respond with a smile yes..but how did you get them all?
Well sometimes my thoughts are maybe a little off color..umm that pun was not intended, anyway I do try to be a nice example to my kids and this community. At times I want to blurt out….maybe I better not.
Is your site PG 13?
April 14th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Are you bored or what? ;)
April 14th, 2008 at 11:47 am
We don’t get many questions. Our family size is within the range of “normal”. LOL. I do get the “are they twins?” questions and “they must be close in age!” comments. They don’t look alike even though they are 100% biologically brothers and aren’t the same height. So I’m not getting the twins thing. But whatever.
I can understand if people want to talk to us. My kids are cute and who wouldn’t want to? I think they sometimes ask the first question they can think of.
I don’t care if people ask me questions. I don’t care if people talk to the kids. As long as they aren’t rude I’m good. I feel like most are just friendly. Of course I don’t have a whole classroom of my own either so I can’t imagine how it is for those with a lot of kids. I just hope I don’t end up being the subject of anyone’s “I can’t believe this lady started talking to me being all nosey about my kids” stories. I’m truly fascinated with the large family dynamic and because I can’t experience it I enjoy hearing from others who can.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
We are (unfortunately) a family of 3. Nothing to ask. :(
April 14th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
At first, we seemed to be absolute show stoppers when we went anywhere. Our kids seemed to take it for granted, but I was really getting annoyed with the people who counted as we walked by and rolled their eyes. That was unnecessary and quite rude. I was at a restaurant with 9 of my kids and a friend with her six. A middle-aged couple started asking us questions from across the room. The woman was trying to match us up with our kids, “That one must be yours because her eyes are so blue just like yours (it was my friend’s step-daughter), that one has to be adopted because he looks like neither of you (it was my bio-son who looks exactly like his father), and on and on. It was annoying so we just ignored her after the first dozen questions/comments. Other times, people will come over and compliment how well-behaved everyone is. One delightful couple came up to me directly as I entered Target and squeezed my arm saying, “So, dear, what do you do with you spare time? We raised 10 too!!” with big smiles. That was surprisingly refreshing. I think it just depends on my mood, and how tired I am of dealing with all of the challenging FASD behaviors. I’m glad the world sees well-behaved, cared for children, it reminds me that we have come a long way.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I love being asked questions mostly because I love being able to try answer them really positively. I’m open to good ideas on how to answer back in such a way that show them that this is ALL GOOD :)
We get the “are they twins” about our eldest two and the wide-eyed looks when I’m grocery shopping with two girls in the cart, Sam on my back in the Ergo and my ever-increasing waistline sticking out front!
Any good ideas for a good answer to the question, “So, is this it?” - cos I think it will be it cos DH has said so, but God is known to intervene (hey that’s how we got a #3 and #4). Without being too complicated, what’s a snappy, but gracious answer?
What about “Oh I certainly hope not!” When people ask me “Are you done?” I answer “No way. You can never have too much of a good thing.” ;) -Katie
April 14th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
We are a racially diverse family. I think I would rather have them ask than just stare ~ we get more of that. Then I am left imagining what they are thinking. I choose to believe they just think my daughter is beautiful… but perhaps they are thinking why isn’t that child in school? I wonder if her husband is black? Another rich, white woman has stolen the child of a minority through adoption. Or… more minorities have moved to town. I wonder what people will think when my children from Haiti join the group? Marissa is very annoyed by the staring and thinks it is because all adults think that all teens are rebels, hoodlums and punks.
A recent diversity questionairre found that our neighborhood is not diverse, that’s the way people want it and, in fact, they moved here from the cities to get away from all those kind of people.
When the statistics show that one out of every 9 black men are in jail well….that would make me think twice about inviting 9 black men to live in my neighborhood. Do you blame them? -Katie
April 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
It used to drive me crazy when people would say things like the most common: “you sure have your hands full!” Mostly i just smile in reply.
Usually the little ladies at the store want to stop and ask how old everyone is and then tell us all about their kids and grandkids. I don’t mind that at all. I’ve learned to figure in an extra 30 mins to my grocery trips just for the sake of all the people that stop us.
I have had those that glare at us, too. It’s not in relation to the kids’ behavior, just the fact that we have *gasp* FIVE little ones. ha, ha I remember when i just had 3 and a lady asked me incredulously, “Are they ALL yours?” Some people just plain don’t like kids.
My favorite is when we have gotten a free meal because the manager was so impressed with our family!
April 14th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
We only have two children of our own and constantly get asked if they are twins! They are 2 1/2 years apart with different colored eyes and one has their dad’s British complection and the other has my Italian/Meditaranian complection?????? I think they need glasses!!! LOL!
Then there is the fact that we homeschool in a country where that is extremely rare!!! Last week in town we got asked 12 times by people why the kids weren’t in school and that was all in one morning shopping in our small town!! Geesh people - change the record!!
Then there is always the fact that we are fostering so people see us with different kids all the time who come in all the colors of the rainbow! At the moment we have a red head.
I suppose we give them lots of reasons to wonder what we are up to, so I have to expect their curiosity to get the better of them! The kids answer the school and fostering questions so enthusiastically that it usually shuts them up quite quickly! LOL! Bring it on - I’m glad to get to watch my kids being so confident in answering questions!!
April 14th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I only have 3 (so far) but they are all 18 months apart. I often get stopped with “you have your hands full” or “are they twins” comments. It doesn’t bother me a bit. People are always friendly when they say it and it usually turns into a conversation. I think one of the keys is to enjoy your children. If you are smiling and having fun people want to approach you and admire your family! If you are haggard and correcting your kids in an annoyed fashion people steer clear or feel sorry for you.
Emily
April 14th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
“When the statistics show that one out of every 9 black men are in jail well….that would make me think twice about inviting 9 black men to live in my neighborhood. Do you blame them? -Katie”
I enjoy reading your blog, and have ascertained that you are very frank in your communication style. However, though that statistic “may” be true, I found the manner in which you used it to be offensive.
If our family wants to live in a neighborhood we can afford, we will do so. No invitation necessary, and no jail records in my immediate family.
Denise, You are absolutely right that you can live wherever you like. I was responding specifically to the very general and vague survey that was done in Julie’s neighborhood. Those people in her neighborhood had a negative experience with a minority group and moved away from another area. The idea was that these people should want to promote ethnic diversity in their city and for some reason these people were not interested in doing that. I would think they probably have their very valid reasons, based on their personal experience, why they don’t want to encourage minorities to live where they live.
When we lived in Surprise, AZ in our 4000 sq ft/ $500K house we had a neighbor that was a black single mother. She was a great lady and I had no problem being friends with her. Neither did I have a beef with the Mexicans down the road. And, of course, we are doing our part to promote ethnic diversity in our neighborhood. :) -Katie
April 14th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Finally back to check on you guys :). Thrilled Jodi is doing well.
I don’t mind comments when we live in foreign countries, get a little miffed/tired of it at times when we live in the US. There must be an “ist” name for how I feel, lol, but I don’t know what it is. Sort of an “hey, I’m from here, ok, cut me some slack”.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I have 8 kids, age 1-9, and am very obviously pregnantwith #9 (due May 30) so whenever I take all or most of the kids with me, (and even if I only have half of them) I always get the “are they all yours?” I always say, with a smile, “They sure are, don’t you think they’re cute” and if they say “You must have your hands full” I tell them “oh, we keep occupied, but it’s so much fun!” Because of my very frequent trips to the lab (for blood work for my daughter who has a blood disorder) I frequently end up having conversations there also even if I only have her with me, that leads to some very astonished reactions (”eight kids? You don’t look old enough to have one!” But I never have negative comments, mostly they are just astounded, and often very positive.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I was known when my kids were little to not wear my wedding ring much. It just wasn’t practical for me for lots of mom reasons. It occurred to me one time when I was out and had just 3 with 2 black children and one white child that some may be thinking “Boy that women must get around and she’s not even married!” So I wore the ring all the time for awhile until I decided I didn’t care what they thought so much. I still try to wear it when I go out but I’m not so worried about it now.
April 14th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I do get some questions and remarks but not as many as you might think considering I am a single mom of six and racially diverse. I think part of it is that when I’m grocery shopping and etc. I am always in a hurry and busy with the children so I don’t make lots of eye contact therefore total strangers don’t very often come up and start talking.
Church related and family activities are a different story. If there is one remark I could do without its “you sure have your hands full!” I hear it numerous times a week. I do try to be understanding but enough is enough.
And I would like to hear some thoughts on how to deal with questions that come up over and over and you find yourself trying to explain the something literally hundreds of times. Right now its my new foster sons’ feeding tube. Our church is large and the people are so kind and well-meaning. They are interested in my children which I appreciate but I struggle with never being able to talk about anything else. I am in the process of adopting a little girl with a deformed ear. I am already dreading the questions and explaining. And she’s two years old and old enough to know when we are talking about her. I’ve thought about writing a note about her and explaining her syndrome a little and putting it in each family’s’ church mailbox.
Am I being too picky? How can I be gracious and positive over and over and over….
April 14th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
We went out to dinner tonight and the astonished waitress asked the infamous…”Are they all yours?”
All I can think is…we’ve ONLY got 4 - this is a ’small’ family by some standards!
April 15th, 2008 at 1:53 am
I really don’t like all of the comments we get because I am fairly reserved. We don’t get comments about just the # of children but because (until last year) we had all girls. Why do people, total strangers mind you, think it is OK to ask you if you are going to have anymore children? That is a personal question in my book. I thought they would stop when our son was born but now they say even ruder (is that a word?) things like, “Since you have your boy are you done?” Geesh! What I’d like to say is… “What I would like to be done with is my shopping but you are standing in my way asking me dumb questions!” But I don’t. It really bugs me when they feel the need to count my children and tell me how many I have, like I don’t know. Guess I need to work on my attitude. Funny thing is that we only have 6 children so what’s the big deal???
April 15th, 2008 at 5:08 am
When all of my children were younger, I got comments all the time. Now that most of them are adults or almost adults, I don’t get as many, probably because we don’t all go places at the same time these days. For the most part, I never minded the comments. Most people were kind, some were just plain ignorant and clueless, some totally stupid or something!. :)
I can remember a time when Crystal was 17 months and my twins were a month old. We were at the grocery store shopping. Crystal was sitting in the front basket, both babies were laying down on a quilt in the back part of the cart. The babies were about 5 pounds and scrawny and bald, and Crystal was a normal sized toddler, with beautiful dark hair. I had someone walk by and say, “Awww…..aren’t they cute! Are they triplets?” Duh!!! How dumb can someone be!!??? LOL! I just politely replied, “No, but the babies are twins” and went on my way. : )
Now, when Jenna is about 19 or 20 and YOU have a brand new baby, you will most likely be asked if the baby is your grandchild. : ) THAT’S always a fun one! LOL!
April 15th, 2008 at 8:50 am
One time I went out to eat with my husband and our then only 3 children. The waitress came and brought us our drinks, looked at my children and right in front of them asked, “So, which one was the accident?” That woman was lucky that she decided to say that while my husband was not currently at the table with us.
Just this week ,we had a visit from some extended family, and one of them informed us that “That is enough, after this one (I am 21 weeks pregnant), you are done.” Oh, and “Don’t have any more.” My husband _politely_ informed her that she did not in fact get a vote, regardless of what she thought. Of course this is the same person who thought that I should make my 6 1/2 year old sleep for a nap every day, and that thinks we should have the children in school as opposed to homeschooling.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Katie,
I wasn’t expecting my comment to be published or answered, so thank you for your clear, gracious response.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
What happened to the tag line contest? Did I miss the results?
April 16th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
With 2 girls and 1 boy, we aren’t much of an oddity, but sometimes we do get approached. My daughters (ages 10 & 6) have long, wavy hair down to their waists and they get a lot of attention for that. The other thing is I admit, my kids are pretty well-behaved in public and we get compliments in restaurants, church, etc., especially from older people. I love it. I am a people person, so any opportunity to meet someone and talk…. ;)
April 17th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I have just one child and I was delighted to find out that one child opened the doors to being able to talk to total strangers…it seems to give them carte blanche to talk to me. For those of you with so many more than me, what a wonderful platform you’ve been given to plant little seeds for the kingdom.